Dear FoxxAs you may have noticed I share this blog with nobody, It started it off as my personal diary just to see if I could, because as you know I am not that computer literate. but now I have met some awesome bloggers and I am at last with their help managing to get my head round my finances.
One or two things you have said to me lately lead me to believe that you have found my blog and have been reading it. That annoyed me at first but now that I am writing this I hope you are reading it. We are a couple and finances are definitely an area which we should be sharing.
I get quite jealous of the fact that so many of the bloggers I follow, reach awesome goals and make terrific decisions, together. They sit down discuss their finances and work out a budget which suits their household.
Most of them like you and I get to a bad place first before this happens, they have debt, no savings, no budget and no idea how to get out of the mess. And so along comes blogger and without looking back they dig themselves out.
We need to be doing this, it,s all well and good that I am at the moment in a better place, but this needs to be a joint venture. We need to be sharing information, working as a team and arguing a whole lot less. We retire shortly with bad money habits, and no home of our own.
Our Marriage needs to be in a better place with more trust, sharing and joint decisions.
I realize that it is going to be a while before the trust is there again, we have always been so secretive about our triumphs and failures. We have always had a mine and yours mentality towards money.
Can we get on the same page, for the first time in 40 years, that,s one hell of a lot of time wasted, and a hell of a lot of money wasted.
I love you Foxx can we do this
Maureen xxx
Maureen: I really and truly hope that you and your hubby can come together over the finances and work things out. I just want to say that in some relationships one person has more interest in taking care of the finances than the other, or is more gifted at it. However, BOTH persons should be aware of what is going on and make mutually agreed upon decisions. Secret goings on only makes for upset and arguments (you already know that!)
ReplyDeleteNevertheless you are doing wonders on your own. Your $$ bars are moving in the right direction and you are firm in your desire to improve your financial position.
In my family I take care of the finances mainly because it's mostly my income we live on. Michael is self-employed and gets paid here and there, very little one month and more in another month. We look at what he earns as a bonus and he helps with the gas and groceries plus the odd splurge on a dinner and movie night. It works for us because he is home to do the cooking, shopping, laundry etc which takes the stress off me. I simply go to work and come home and put my feet up (kind of role reversal:) I like it because cooking etc is really NOT my thing. But he is in the know about the finances (reads my blog everyday) and prefers to let me do the number crunching. But I have had an influence on him - he now has a savings account (never did before) and saved up his tip money from a part-time job to buy himself his own laptop. So he is developing some good money habits. Lately he's been asking me about saving money for retirement and he opened a tax-free savings account with ING Direct. (He takes direction well!)
No relationship is perfect but it is a well-known fact that money problems is one of the main reasons marriages split up, so hopefully your hubby will meet you halfway on this.
Take care - sending you positive vibes my friend!
Maureen:
ReplyDeleteI hope you two are able to get on the same page. Beleive me we hit bottom before we were ablet to come back up and it is always a evolving thing.
My husband just remarked the other day how we no longer fight about money and how peaceful life has become. If I hadnt put my foot down about 1 year ago, we would probably still be fighting. And it takes so much out of you to fight.
Hoping all goes well...I think it will
Judy
Judy I am going it goes well, but we have an awful lot of history to unravel.
ReplyDeleteJane, what if he doesent read my blog and I,ve made a terrible mistake, then what do I do ?????
I jumped over here from Jane's blog. I have been reading for a few months now and just wanted to say I really hope that things can work out between your hubs and you. It's really hard when your not on the same page. I've been through some similar stuff with my hubs.
ReplyDeleteYou know if he doesn't read it does it matter? All you can really do is lead by example. Do what you can and try not to beat yourself up for those things that are out of your control.
I think eventually he will see that what you are doing works.
Hugs
Thanks Johanna, great to get your support.
ReplyDeleteHi Maureen - here's my email -
ReplyDeletej_harrison@rogers.com
Contact me anytime!
I mean it,
Jane
There was a period of about 1 year where I didn't really know what was going on with our finances and my DH really didn't feel like going over our budget. It was when we were in a lot of debt, trying to get our oldest son through college and paying for his wedding. Both of us didn't really feel like talking about it until one day I really wanted to know how we were doing, no matter what. He didn't feel like talking about it again. I made this comment to him "not knowing what is going on makes me feel more insecure than anything I can think of. I need to know."
ReplyDeleteWe sat down and it was like I had thought - we were only making minimum payments and would have to make those minimum payments for a while. But, that made me feel so much better and it was the impetus to me controlling my spending.
Some people don't want to talk about money because it makes them feel insecure and inadequate when in fact talking things out helps you to come up with a plan as a team.
Also, when things seem so impossible, such as saving more money, sometimes people just think what's the use and they give up and don't want to talk about it.
But, if you are not used to doing this as a couple, you will need to take baby steps.
I would start with talking about what you need for retirement, which would then lead to how you can save for retirement, which would then lead to cutting back on spending.
I haven't been married as long as you, just 30 years.
Getting your feelings out on paper (er, computer monitor) will help you regardless if your husband reads your post or not. You have focused your thoughts through this and now you can discuss it with your husband when the time is right. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMaureen,
ReplyDeleteIf he doesn't read your post or gives you any indication that he has read it. I think its time to tell him. Sit him down and bare it all. If you have been together for 40 years will this conversation above all other ones cause the end of your marriage? You have clearly been able to get through a lot worse together I know you can do this together as well.
I understand your feelings of unease, my BF doesn't know about my blog, though I have not been completely secretive about it, I definitely haven't been open. And lately I have been wondering if by not being open with him about my blog if it will create a larger issue down the road, in our relationship. I am not even married and I have been having this thoughts. You are, its time to sit down and open up to him. It might just be the most de-stressing thing you ever do.
What ever happens, remember we are all with you, the PF bloggers are here to hold your hand and help you through, please call on us!!
Maureen,
ReplyDeleteYou have received some great advice my dear. Jane is a true friend to many of us, and we have never met her. Her encouragement and support are genuine, as is all of ours.
My husband and I seem to have a relationship similar to yours. For many years we kept things separate, and we kept financial secrets. It may have been about control, (okay... probably about control) and power in the relationship. We are both very strong willed and determined. The financial secrets nearly destroyed us.
I am trying to be more open about the money, and what we have saved. Before, if i told him what we had in the bank, he would spend it. Now, we are able to talk about it more, and that has helped. He still charges things and that drives me crazy, but it is not as bad as it use to be.
He does not know about my blog, which is the last of my financial secrets....but my blog is like my diary. I don't know if I really want anyone I *know* to read it. In all honesty, it has been heavy on my mind as of late to tell him about the blog. But I am resisting...
You know Maureen, maybe if we both commit to tell our spouses it would be a good thing for both of us...what do you think?
Oh... your 40 years together is not wasted Maureen. You are with the person God wants you to be....and we are all works in progress.
Many hugs to you!!!!!
Definitely not a wasted 40 years!!
ReplyDeleteHas he mentioned reading this blog yet? If not, then I suggest you bring up your money concerns. You can, or don't have to talk about the blog. I'm annoymous as well and it can be good to vent about certain things that I wouldn't necessarily want some people to know about.
Yes, PF bloggers are a strong group, we are all here for you. Here's to the next 40 years :)
It's never too late Maureen and together you and hubby can do this xx
ReplyDeleteI hope you can sit down and talk the finances over, even though one partner often manages the day to day finances, it's vital that the other partner is up to date with whats happening.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing a great job though.
my DH knows I blog, but doesn't read it, which I'm glad about.
Thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteyou guys can do this ~ I hope he reads it! Thinking of ya :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful letter Maureen. And a lot of good advice and support. I hope he reads your blog, he should, it's a good one. If not, this would be a good moment to make him peek.
ReplyDeleteps, thanks for stooping by on my blog, a very nice surprise. I've been reading your blog for about 6 months or so. One of my favourite
Hugs from Norway
Oh my goodness, how to I begin to thank all of you wonderful strong supportive Women for the comments you have made on this post.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea where my plea came from, I intended to write a post about March,s goals and the letter just kind of happened.
There is very little chance of Foxx ( his new title now ) having read this so far, but I may show it too him and see if my pleas make any difference.
There have been just too many bad financial decisions made by myself over the years for everything to be made right in one conversation, but dont they say " Where there is life there is hope " And I intend to live for many years yet.
Positive thoughts Maureen. Believe me when my husband and I sat down and talked it wasnt easy. I had come from a bad first marriage, and he had never been married before but suddenly had a wife and three kids under the age of 13. It wasnt easy, and it is always evolving.
ReplyDeleteBut we have reached a point where we no longer fight over money because we know what the other is doing. There are no secrets, there is a budge and our bills are paid. Sure there are temper tantrums every now and then but I am glad we had that conversation. You have already taken the first step..so just keep on going
judy